Friday, April 9, 2010
Alright, something is definitely wrong with me. I am just losing it today. I have times where Jacob is happy and laughing, and I get so much joy from it. And then it's like someone turns a switch on me, and I am in a bad mood. Jacob won't stop laughing, and he's loud. Nathan wont stop crying, the house is a mess bc I can't do any housework. My pelvic bone is twisted, and I'm suppose to be letting it heal. Any time I do something, it starts hurting. But then I look around and see the pile of dirty laundry, all the dirty dishes (which is amazing bc we've been ordering in alot lately!) the floor needs to be vacuumed. I get depressed knowing I'm being a bad housewife for not doing the chores, but knowing that I can't do it without hurting myself. My dr told me if I don't take care of myself, I could be disabled in a year. Pretty scary stuff. Yes, Mike was sympathetic at first, took over cooking and watching the kids when he wasn't working. But now I feel like he is getting irritated at having to do it. He won't say it, but its in his attitude. And, it makes me feel worse knowing he is bitter at having to do this, but knowing I can't do it so he has to. When he is at work, I have a hard time moving the kids around, so I've found its easier on me putting the gate up across their bedroom door and making them stay in there and play. I bring them out to eat, and go in there for diaper changes, and I even spend time in there on Jake's bed to watch them play and let them know I haven't left them. But then, while I'm sitting out in the living room, with nothing to do (I don't watch much tv, and the internet only provides so much entertainment) I start feeling like a bad Mom for leaving my kids cooped up all day. I mean, they can roam their room and play with their toys, but they are used to coming and going from their room and the living room and finding me when they want me. I feel as if I'm hurting them somehow. It makes me feel horrible, but there is nothing I can do about it. If I endure the pain and let them roam and chase after them, in a year I might be in a wheelchair and will have no choice but to make them do that all the time. How am I suppose to function when I feel this way?